So I’m learning Danish.
🇩🇰
FML, I’m learning Danish.
As a neurospicy child of a bilingual household, I always took delight in having an okay ear.
I’ll identify the voice actors in any major animated film, I’ll know whether you’re from Edinburgh or Glasgow, and when I sing Spice Girls songs, I’m not singing them as me, I’m singing them as each member of the Spice Girls.
But Danish...
I once saw a documentary about a woman who acquired a rare form of amusia which scrambled her perception of relative pitch. She happened to be a musician and the way she described her condition sounded devastating.1
Trying to comprehend individual words in Danish makes me feel a bit like this - like I’ve lost a key perceptual faculty. Like up is left and down is near and between is always. Hearing Indonesian has this effect on me too. I feel like I should understand it. As someone who knows a related language, I recognise the sounds as meaning-making words, but I can’t make meaning from those words.
But then I thought … if I can get my head around pronouncing “Worcestershire”, “Meagher”, “Siobhan”, I can get my head around “rødgrød med fløde”.
I’m sitting on a Zoom call with 17 other learners who are primed to be much better at this than me. At least 4 are Danish by ancestry, at least 3 work with Danish people, 1 is an absolute Danish culture nerd, 2 have completed every Danish language module on Duolingo. This is an absolute beginners class. But unlike French and Spanish and Chinese language classes, you don’t tend to sign up to 1A Danish unless you have skin in the game.
I am 1 of 4 students who is here because their partner is Danish.
And later this year, I’m planning to meet her family. A family who don’t yet know that I exist.
Our tutor asks us to introduce ourselves with a fun fact. I say I like sushi. But what’s too embarassing to admit to a 19-strong Zoom is that when familiarising myself with a language, I will watch either The Worst Witch or The Bureau of Magical Things dubbed in my target language.
I could tell you it’s because there are often more language options on children’s content. I could tell you that because kids’ language is simpler, it’s more appropriate for language-learning. I could tell you it’s because it’s easier to map meaning onto the language when you watch the same stories over and over again. But really it’s because pre-teens with special abilities standing up to school authorities is peak comfort for me.
Yes, I went to a private girls’ school. Yes, I am a neurodiverse, immigrant kid. Yes, growing up I thought I was Matilda.
I didn’t have a conventional adolescence. I didn’t tussle with restriction and permission around sex, drugs, alcohol. Neurotypical, Western developmental processes of rebellion in service of individuation were no match to internalised obligations to family and community. And the urge to accelerate into adulthood baffled me - adults were confusing, adults were slippery, adults lied.
After a while, people around me started becoming interested in these lifeforms called ‘boys’ who possessed a power over their behaviour that seemed illogical, irrational, supernatural.
Whenever boys entered a space - by name or in person - the energy shifted. The air felt thicker, conversations went down irretrievable alleyways, faces became red, or paralysed, or over-animated. And more confusing still, in my corner of the world, the turn to boys came with a turn to Christian evangelism - where girls’ school kids could meet boys’ school kids and share revelations over free pizza, where young people were being asked to surrender their rational minds to faith, where some were groomed for (some version of) a saviour.
No one was able to explain the phenomenon clearly enough for my hyper-literal brain to understand. No one could tell me why my girl crushes had me wanting to adopt their interests, fumble my way through sports I had no talent in, draw their eyes, and write them songs. But boy crushes were connected to lateral bullying, eating disorders, and assault. And as people stared while I questioned their reasoning, their risk analysis, their false analogies to justify all manner of warned-against behaviours, no one could explain why the intellectual assiduousness of my child self was becoming less and less valuable to anyone who had previously cared.
I did eventually dabble in the darker arts. I did eventually have my fair share of risk-taking, heartbreak, wonder, joy. But I did it all as a curious adult - trying and failing, breaking down and fucking up - all while legally responsible enough to run a business.
Which, I know, is a privilege.
And also makes me deeply uncool.
🤓
Through years of living in the world, through the generosity of others, through the clarity of hindsight, I started giving shape to the things no one could explain.
From the broadest brushstrokes that could be provided by all the -ologies. To the expressive dips and swishes of art. To the finer details of observing moment to moment reality even through deep discomfort, pain, and my most traumatising mistakes…
I learned the inconsistencies, complexities and delusions that disrupt humanity’s most elegant theories. I learned the ways in which my reliance on my mind made me callous. I learned that all crushes are a little magic. And that girl ones aren’t always a walk in the park.
As an adult artist, I make a conscious practice of making legible the ineffable. Theatre is witchcraft and my job is to understand why putting a leaf, some hair, and some tears in a cauldron does what it does, and to ask whether or not the species of leaf, the order of addition, or the intent of the brewer might affect the result, why, and for whom.2
Asking questions of that which seems ineffable is neither an innate skill nor a taught one. It’s the thing that helps me cope with a culture that assumes a lot and uses those assumptions to isolate and exploit.
It’s always interesting to me how neurodivergence is seen as a lack of social understanding. We can’t take small inflections and gestures for granted so some of us will invest countless hours trying to deeply understand the meaning, history, and utility of each social artefact. And we have a shame-fueled, pass-fail learning mechanism that kicks in when we get the details deeply wrong so we become self-made experts in the things that confound us. A few of us even use our sensitivities to sharpen our perception so that when the noise of mundane life melts away we can see intricate patterns and worlds of nuance in the tiniest things.
I’m not that great at ‘making legible the ineffable’ yet. Ask the playwrights I work with. My notes sometimes take about a month to be broken down and processed. But every dramaturgical observation, every small piece of emotional insight, every creative offer, every neutral question is the result of a lifetime of data crunching - a lifetime of using up every ounce of processing power available to me just to figure out why someone’s face went red, why their brow furrowed, why they said what they said.
I’m also learning that I’m only as helpful as my own level of understanding - which can only be arrived at with frankness in actively trying to work things the fuck out.
Which brings me back to Danish.
I’m sitting in front of a computer trying to work out how to pronounce the soft ‘d’. It sounds like an ‘l’ to me but I am - according to the internet - not listening closely enough. To make the sound, your tongue needs to be behind your bottom teeth steering completely clear of the roof of your mouth. So says one person. Another says your tongue should be between your teeth. Another says your tongue should stay clear of your teeth altogether. My partner says you have to swallow the word. Or pretend you’re drunk. Or pretend you have a potato in your mouth.
It seems beyond me.
After hearing 15 more contradictory explanations, I try it out.
“Hvad hedder du?”
Fuck.
“Hvad… hedder…”
Try again. This time, softer.
speak: dog
> softer
speak: ready
> softer
speak: désolée
> softer
speak: maganda
> softer
speak: desayuno
> softer
speak: dhanyavaad
> softer
speak: promoted
> softer
speak: I'd
> softer
speak: hedder
> softer
speak: hedder
> softer
speak: hedder
> softer
speak: hedder
My partner has just informed me that the word for girlfriend is the same as the word for boyfriend in Danish.
“Kæreste.”
Jeg elsker dig, min kæreste. Så meget.
The Dialogue Box
JULES: Could I practice Danish with you?
SIMONE: Certainly! I'd be happy to help you practice Danish. Whether you have specific questions, want to practice certain phrases, or engage in a casual conversation, feel free to let me know how you'd like to proceed. Hvad vil du gerne øve dig på? (What would you like to practice?)
JULES: Hvordan siger man "nice to meet you" på dansk?
SIMONE: "Nice to meet you" på dansk oversættes til "Dejligt at møde dig" i en formel kontekst eller "Hyggeligt at møde dig" i en mere afslappet samtale. Hvordan har din oplevelse med dansk været indtil videre? (How has your experience with Danish been so far?)
JULES: Tak! Dansk er svært! Men jeg nyder det. Lytte og forstå er svært.
SIMONE: Det er forståeligt! At lytte og forstå et nyt sprog kan være en udfordrende, men vigtig del af læringsprocessen. Hvis der er bestemte ord eller lyde, du gerne vil øve dig mere på, så lad mig vide. Jeg er her for at hjælpe! (It is understandable! Listening and understanding a new language can be a challenging but important part of the learning process. If there are particular words or sounds you would like to practice more, please let me know. I'm here to help!)
JULES: Tusind tak. Actually… kan du hjælpe mig med at lære sætninger, når jeg møder min kærestes familie?
SIMONE: Of course. Det er en god idé at forberede nogle sætninger, når du møder din kærestes familie! Her er nogle nyttige udtryk:
* Hej, jeg hedder [dit navn]. (Hello, my name is [your name].)
* Det er dejligt at møde jer alle sammen. (It's nice to meet all of you.)
* Tak fordi I inviterede mig. (Thank you for inviting me.)
* Hvordan har I det? (How are you all?)
* Jeg lærer dansk, så vær tålmodige med mig! (I'm learning Danish, so please be patient with me!)
* Er der nogle traditioner, jeg bør kende til? (Are there any traditions I should be aware of?)
* Mange tak for maden, det smagte fantastisk. (Thank you so much for the meal, it was delicious.)
Husk, det er altid godt at vise interesse for deres kultur og traditioner. Lad mig vide, hvis der er specifikke sætninger eller situationer, du gerne vil forberede dig på!
(Remember, it is always good to show interest in their culture and traditions. Let me know if there are specific phrases or situations you'd like to prepare for!)
JULES: Mange tak! There is a situation I'd like to prepare for but I'm not sure you can help.
SIMONE: Selvfølgelig, jeg er her for at hjælpe så meget som muligt! Hvad vil du gerne forberede dig på, og hvordan kan jeg assistere dig?
JULES: I don’t know how to say this in Danish but what happens if they don't accept me? Or stop supporting my partner?
SIMONE: Det er forståeligt at have bekymringer om accept, især når man møder en partners familie. Selvom hver familie er unik, og reaktionerne kan variere, er her nogle generelle tips:
1. Vær Dig Selv:
* Ægtheden er afgørende. Vær ægte og tro mod dig selv. Familier værdsætter ofte oprigtighed.
2. Åben Kommunikation:
* Opfordr til åben kommunikation med din partner om eventuelle bekymringer eller forventninger. De kan give indblik i familiens dynamik.
3. Giv Det Tid:
* At opbygge relationer tager tid. Første reaktioner afspejler måske ikke det langsigtede syn. Vær tålmodig og åben.
4. Kulturel Bevidsthed:
* Hvis der er kulturelle forskelle, tag dig tid til at lære dem at kende og forstå dem. Vis respekt for deres traditioner og værdier.
5. Del Fælles Interesser:
* Find fælles interesser eller emner at forbinde over. Fælles oplevelser kan hjælpe med at opbygge broer.
6. Vis Respekt:
* Vær respektfuld, høflig og hensynsfuld. Venlighed og respekt går langt i at opbygge positive relationer.
7. Vær Positiv og Håbefuld:
* Fasthold en positiv og håbefuld indstilling. Hjælp hende med at se frem til positive muligheder og støtte i jeres liv sammen.
8. Sæt Grænser:
* Hvis nødvendigt, sæt grænser og kommuniker dine behov på en respektfuld måde. Åben og ærlig kommunikation er nøglen.
9. Forsikre Om Din Kærlighed:
* Forsikr hende om din kærlighed og støtte, uanset hvad. Lad hende føle, at hun ikke er alene i denne situation.
Husk, at alle situationer er unikke, og selvom nogle familier måske har brug for tid til at tilpasse sig, kan andre være øjeblikkeligt indbydende. Fokuser på at opbygge forbindelser og vær dig selv. Hvis du står over for udfordringer, overvej at søge støtte fra venner, fællesskabsgrupper eller rådgivning. Din partners støtte er også afgørende under denne proces.
JULES: Tak skal du have. This seems like a tough ask but are there any Danish phrases that could help in a potential future conversation with her family - with all of this in mind?
SIMONE: Selvfølgelig! Her er nogle danske sætninger, der kunne være nyttige i en fremtidig samtale med din kærestes familie, med fokus på respekt og åbenhed:
1. "Jeg vil gerne lære mere om jeres kultur og traditioner."
* (I would like to learn more about your culture and traditions.)
2. "Jeg er virkelig glad for at være her og lære jer at kende."
* (I'm really happy to be here and get to know all of you.)
3. "Jeg elsker [dansk mad/dansk kultur]. Det er virkelig fascinerende for mig."
* (I love [Danish food/Danish culture]. It's really fascinating to me.)
4. "Min partner og jeg sætter stor pris på jeres gæstfrihed."
* (My partner and I really appreciate your hospitality.)
5. "Vi ser frem til at tilbringe mere tid sammen og skabe gode minder."
* (We look forward to spending more time together and creating good memories.)
6. "Jeg respekterer jeres familie og værdier, og jeg håber at kunne bidrage positivt til vores forhold."
* (I respect your family and values, and I hope to contribute positively to our relationship.)
Husk, det vigtigste er at være autentisk og åben. Disse sætninger kan hjælpe med at udtrykke din respekt og interesse for deres familie og kultur. Jeg ønsker dig al held og lykke!
JULES: This is genuinely really helpful. Mange tusind tak. Jeg ser frem til flere samtaler med dig.
SIMONE: You’re very welcome. It's great to hear that it has been helpful. Jeg ser også frem til flere samtaler med dig.
...
:)
AI Whispers
Guess the prompt for the AI generated image below. The winner receives leaf bug tears.
Have you got 7 minutes?
Set a timer for 7 minutes.
Write “I love” and add a beloved noun of your choice. It could be sushi, it could be a TV show, it could be a loved one.
For the next 7 minutes find out how to say “I love [your chosen one]” in as many languages as possible. Write it down. Paint it. Say it. Sing it. Until the timer stops.
I can’t find this doco but if anyone knows which one I’m talking about, let me know!
Please don’t attempt any of this unless you know what you’re doing. I am not practised in witchcraft nor do I have any cultural authority in any of the traditions I reference.